I stiffened when I saw him. My toes curled, my knees weakened, my heart throbbed, my world stopped. Oh, how I loved and still loved him.
We used to be lovers. He was mine. Yes, was. We’re through, but still friends. That is one of my greatest mistakes, because I can’t get over him, even though it’s been more than two years. I still love him. The flame is still there. That same flame I used to feel more than two years ago.
I felt him touching my hand. We’re going out on a dinner. There is this tingling sensation again; my heart is pounding like I was gasping for air.
We entered a fancy restaurant. We talked a lot. I listened to his problem, only to be hurt when it was his girlfriend he was problematic about. He says he’s guilty as hell when he hurt her. He loves his girl so much, I thought. She is one lucky girl. I grimaced at the thought.
After the dinner, he drove his car and took me to lover’s view in Antipolo. Just this once, I thought. Forever is too much to ask. I sighed.
We’re acting like playful, silly children. We teased each other. It’s fun. I felt happy.
I’m giving him playful punch on his left arm when suddenly, I felt his arms around me and hugged me so tight. I close my eyes, silently savoring the sweetness of the moment.
“Uhm, Clarence, do you mind if I ask you something… personal?” a part of my mind regrets, but my heart insists to give in. I chose the latter. Just this once. Forever is too much to ask.
“Sure,” he replied. “What is it Clem?”
A pause.
“Do you still love me?”
He was shocked. “It’s not a funny joke Clem. Stop it.”
“Clarence I’m serious. Do you still love me? Because I still do. It’s been more than two years and yet I still do. I still ask myself why I lost you. You’re the one who’s making me feel this way and it’s too painful for me to ignore.” I realized I was crying. The pain swells. It’s too hard for me to do this, but I must. “Clarence, what have you done to me?”
Clarence sighed. “It’s not my fault Clem. Besides you didn’t really lose me. You let me go. And one more thing, what about Mindy? What about Daniel? Don’t you care about them?”
I felt guilty. I’m too insensitive to forget Daniel when I’m with Clarence.
“And what if I still love you Clem? Will it change everything? It’s too late Clem. I don’t want to hurt Mindy. She is the one trying to make me love her and forget you. I tried to leave her many times but she did not let me go unlike what you did. You let me go that easy. She fights for me even though she felt I didn’t love her. And you know what hurts the most? It’s that I can’t love Mindy because I still love you! But every time we talked I felt you don’t really feel the same for me because you said it’ Daniel that you love. It’s too late Clem.”
Yes. Maybe it’s too late. I realized I’m too foolish to pursue what I feel for Clarence. It’s too painful. But I have to stop this.
“Clarence I—–“
Anything I have to say was lost when I felt his lips against mine. It was heaven. It was hell. I just let him whole- heartedly. Just this once. Forever is too much to ask.
My tears fell but I didn’t care. My emotions were too contradicting. I felt so happy to be in his arms once again, but a pain also exists on the fact that maybe after this, we’ll never be together again. We kissed like there was no tomorrow.
“I love you Clem.”
“I don’t want to hear the but Clarence. It might hurt.”
“Maybe, there will be a time for us.” He was hopeful as I am.
“Let’s see. Now take me home. Please.” I can’ take it anymore but this has to stop now. There is no easy way to end this because it’s too painful. It’s contradicting. It’s too much, yet too little. Too soon, yet too late.
“If we’re not really meant to be and we’re for someone else, looking back, I’ll still thank god because once in my life, we loved each other, just once. Forever is too much to ask.” I whispered.
Two years later…
Wearing white gown, walking through the aisle of this very sacred place, at a very sacred moment, holding a bunch of roses and baby’s breath, my face covered with a veil. No, I’m not going to have my first communion. I’m getting married.
I stiffened when I saw Clarence. My toes curled, my knees weakened, my heart throbbed, my world stopped. Oh, how I love this man!
Then I woke up.
Painfully, reality bites.
